Hi everyone,
Today's post is a lot different to usual, so I'm sorry if this is not your sort of thing but I really need to open up to people about this, even though you are all just behind a computer screen. Things recently have been very very difficult but I have recently started talking to people about my problems and have found that this really helped. I hope my story can somehow help you to find hope and open up if you find yourself in a similar situation to me.
It all started around 3 years ago. I always felt out of place at school and so when it came to me choosing a place to study my A Levels, I chose somewhere where I knew no one. A fresh start. Well... it certainly was something new. And it really did have a massive effect on my life.
I was really really unhappy at this college, Yes, I made great friends who I am lucky enough to still have in my life but there were so many bad experiences that have now made me who I am. I have always been an extremely anxious person and therefore, while I tend to push people away and try and stay alone most of the time, I know that I rely on people to keep me going more than I probably should. That applies to my studies too. I've always been alright with my studies - getting all A's in my GCSE's made me feel pretty confident in myself academic wise. That was until my A Levels started.
I began to struggle, but could I go to any of my teachers for support? Of course not. They made me feel worthless. Like I sucked at everything. Like it was my own fault, that I was stupid and purely not putting any effort in. Which of course is so wrong. I put so much work into my studies because I had goals for the future that I couldn't achieve without success in my A Levels. But the teachers didn't care about that. They only cared about the people who got high grades, because it made the college look good. If you got bad grades, they didn't care. They just tried to push you away, threatening to kick you off of all your courses.
It got to the point where I stupidly gave up on everything. I stopped caring about my grades. What was the point when I wasn't going to do well anyway? Why should I try? May as well prove the teachers right. Which in the end I did. I really did not get good grades. 2 D's and 2 U's. In the end, I moved to a different college and started my A Levels again.
During this whole time, I was introduced to the world of relationships. In school I wasn't interested in boyfriends. I didn't really have much of a social life where I could meet potential boyfriends. But then I finally met someone. But I had become a changed person, someone I was not happy being at the end of the day, and he really did deserve someone better than me. So I ended things with him and of course that created tension.
I then met someone new and began a very strange on and off relationship with him for over a year. While I did have very strong feelings for him, I should've known that it would never work. We wanted different things, disagreed over a lot of things, argued all the time... We weren't any good for each other yet we still tried to make things work. That's what made everything even worse. Now that everything has ended I actually loath him. I can't stand him. I hate when people mention his name. I hate it when I am reminded about how rubbish he made me feel. It changed me.
All this time I was still struggling with my A Levels. I was so used to finding GCSE's easy and academics has always been a strong point for me, so when A Levels happened for me, I hit rock bottom. I am a naturally shy person so asking for help with my studies is not something I felt comfortable doing. So I struggled alone - the wrong thing to do! This past year has definitely been me at my lowest point.
Luckily for me, many great things have also happened this year which has stopped me from getting to the lowest point possible. I have amazing friends - yes, I finally have a social life!- who I love spending time with. I got into my first choice university (Brighton here I come!) and I have the world's best boyfriend who makes me feel so special and loved. I wouldn't change any of this for the world and while there were times where I felt like ending everything would be the easiest for me, my friends, boyfriend and the prospect of university leaves me with hope. It leaves me hanging on and is slowly pulling me out of this black hole I have somehow been sucked into. Yes, I have lost many people and felt so extremely down so much over the past few years but now my life is looking great and I have so much to look forward to.
I just want to talk a little bit about my new boyfriend. After everything with my ex, I never thought I would be capable of being in a new relationship as I began to have major trust issues. Then I met my new boyfriend and everything happened so suddenly but I would never wish for any of this to be different. I have spoken to him a lot about everything that troubles me (although there are things that I am yet to tell him) and he listens, he comforts me but most of all, he makes me feel like I matter. Which is not something I am used to. There are many times I get emotional and think he deserves so much better than me, he deserves the world and I definitely do not feel like I am good enough for him. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I never plan to let him go - I know soon he will get fed up of having to put up with me but until then I plan to treasure every moment I spend with him as he always knows how to make me feel like I'm actually a good person. I appreciate him so much and having him in my life has definitely had a massive influence on me.
While I can say that I'm in a good place with everything at the moment, there are still days I feel down and it is always hard to know how to relax, calm down and stop myself from slipping into that black hole again but I know that at the end of the day, everything will be okay. Despite how hard everything is, there is always someone who cares, even if you've never met that person. I know there are many many creeps around on the internet and there are many articles warning you of the dangers of talking to people online, but the internet can also be a great place to meet people. One of my best friends is someone I have met over the internet and I am yet to meet her in person. Yet I always have her back, and I know I can talk to her about everything.
I know its easier said than done but, if you feel like life is getting too hard for you sometimes, find someone you trust. Get yourself away from everything that is causing your pain and stress. Talk about your problems. Cry a little. It's okay. Do what you need to do to feel better. At the end of the day, YOU are ultimately the person who controls your life. Do what you love with the people who mean the world to you and don't let the monster of 'Depression' get into your head. Fight back and prove to yourself that you are strong. It's not going to be easy straight away. But if you try, then it can't really get any worse.
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